Rant.

It is not just with years that humanity burns out, it's with a rapidly multiplying thought of resentment. At first when I sat down to write this, about four minutes ago, I thought I was sitting down to write about how many friend's I'm losing to heroin, the friend's I know losing friends losing babies because of heroin, and then in one big gush, I realized that isn't really what I wanted to talk about at all. What I am more concerned with is the lack of understanding, accountability, friendship and truth. But more so than that, what is this constant struggle myself and every other punk ass kid can't see past: a constant need to strive to be something, but the gut burning feeling of defeat and itching torealize all expectations of self. There's no playfullness behind the folklore of the angel and devil on your shoulder, though in the stories  people always ended up chosing a side, we are all stuck here, in the middle, looking right to left, right to left, right to left,
stagnant.

And it isn't just about Seattle, or the way you were raised. I am not really concerned whether or not your father was a drunk, or rapist. It's about community, rather, the lack there of. It seems to me that the ages of 13-17 are all about prying yourself from your family, and forcing yourself to act like a "grown up", but with that word yet to be defined you just end up creating a sticky mess for yourself. 17-21, at least for me, as been about finding your roots, falling down as completely fucking far as possible, seeing a tiny sliver of light at the top and trying to climb back up. It's about losing trust in yourself and others....

You know, I am going to stop talking right now. I don't know what to say, or where I was really going with that and I'd rather not bullshit the few people who may read this...

Oh wait, yes, I was talking about humanity, and what a fucking sick lack of it there is. I consider myself to be a very open-minded, compassionate person. This gets me into a lot of trouble in my relationships, because I can so easily place myself in other people's shoes, and understand why they're making the mistakes that they are, that they often use those shoes to walk all over my hippie ass. Even though I see myself as this, and I live my life this way, why is it that I feel like no one understands each other, or me?

I ride the bus, I ride the bus in a big city where lots of other people ride the bus. And every morning and every night I look around at the Indian women with crying babies, the over-weight men in business suits, and the young people like myself filling the place with the smells of mall food and malt liquor and I wonder what they cry about. Why are the words they're speaking so easily coming out of their mouths? How do they not feel the weight of the moon even throughout the day? I am apart, and that's selfish I think, or am I apart because I place myself below? Do I know what's really going on? I am just a voice in my head in my head in my head in my head.

Let's count one, two, three, four, five big, bad, OH AH SCARY things that have happened in the last six months and I give only one thought to them then toss them to side. If nothing phases me then I am not happy, or sad, or comfortable.

Ah, comfortable, what an amazing thing to be. When was the last time you felt that?